Healing – #reverb10 – December 19th, 2010

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? – (Author: Leoni Allan)

I looked up the definition of heal/healing, because lets face it, I don’t have a clue what healed me this year.

1. To restore to health or soundness; cure.
2. To set right; repair: healed the rift between us.
3. To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness.

And the phrase “restore” kept bumping into me. For some reason this held more “healing” power than the word “healing” did. Per my previous post and my decision to “Pioneer On!”, I started doing just that when I restored faith in myself. Even though many of the previous posts have been based on inadequacies that I find in myself. Things I dislike, hate or just wish would go away, all of those things are part of who I am and part of what makes this journey of my life so interesting. Trust me. I don’t want to feel inadequate or “less”. I don’t want to think of everything that’s wrong with me. I know this is just me bagging on myself. I realize this. Doesn’t make it any easier to quit doing it, but I realize this. I heard that women don’t really start living life until they turn thirty. I’m starting to believe this.

Life before thirty has been a pinball machine of triumphs, mistakes, misery, love, gratitude, selfishness, hate, worry, jealousy, idiocy, and a whole other slew of imaginative words that escape me at the moment. I felt like this little ball bouncing around, being flung against bumpers, and dropped in holes. It was frightening. Okay…lets be honest. Life scared the pants off me. And honestly, can anyone say that life before thirty didn’t make them want to curl into the fetal position and sweat. I’m pretty sure I wanted my mom to fly by with her magic “mom” wand, and make everything better.

I lost so much during my twenties. My sense of self, family members, love, friends, money, time, hair. And oh did I dwell on all of this. Stress was my constant companion during my twenties. I vaguely remembered a time before all the stress started eating away at my psyche, when I was a kid again. And all I wanted to do was draw paper dolls and create business cards for my dolls. I just wanted to spend the days coloring with my crayons and reading Laura Ingalls Wilder’s books. That’s what I wanted out of life. To just do what I wanted to do.

Fast forward twenty years and I’m looking thirty in the face, and as much as everything around me is telling me “Oh thirty is the DEVIL. You don’t want to turn thirty. You can’t have kids after thirty. You’re thirty? What have you done with your life? Where’s your husband? What career are you working on? You’ve lost that hot-twenty-something body!” I just wan to scream. That way of thinking is just so wrong!

Enough already! Why can’t life just begin again at thirty? Why does it have to be labeled as this horrible milestone one has to endure! Is this really what reality is about? Because if so, I wanna go back to drawing paper dolls and coloring “My Little Ponies”. I wanna restore that nonchalant kid attitude of “I just want to do, what I want to do!” and screw reality, and society and everything else that comes with being an adult.

I want to spend 2011 restoring childhood aspirations. Because really, it’s just another extension of “Pioneer On!”.

That was the style of paper doll I was drawing. Little bit more rudimentary, but none the less, vintage 1880’s dolls. I’ll get some photos when I go home for Christmas.

What do you want to heal/restore? I’m delighted to hear!

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