Sunday October 31, 2010 – Heartsick, Desolation and Joy

Dear Blogary.

I’m not normally one to keep a diary, so I’ve come up with a Blogary. (Blog + Diary = Blogary. And yeah, I’m making that up. I’ve never heard it used before so it’s MY word.) In all honesty, I’m terrible at keeping things up to date. And lets face it, if you don’t do something right away, odds are you’ll forget all of the details the longer you wait to jot them down. I’m thourougly impressed with my granpa, who faithfully writes down the days happenings in a calendar. Usually he notes the high and low temperature for the day, who came to visit, what he did or something interesting grama did. I know he keeps them. I’m already so thankful for his calendars and the joy that I’ll get from them one day once his time on earth has past.

I started the day out excited. Excited because during my stay here in North Dakota I’ve missed almost 2 months worth of Sunday services and my heart was starting to feel heavy. I’m not one to usually seek out man’s religion, as my beliefs and spirituality are based on a close relationship with The Father, The Son and The Holy Ghost, but I know that meeting with other Christians, listening to sermons and participating are ways one learns more and deepens their relationship with God. Sometimes your soul just craves that fellowship. I think this is Gods way of pushing us to strengthen our relationship with him. My excitement this morning stemmed from my attending a church service in town. And there’s always a layer of apprehension as well when one attends a new church. I’m so comfortable in my church back home, and I love my pastor dearly. I learn something new every Sunday service and I always come away with a glad heart and renewed faith. I guess I’ve come to expect that from a sermon. I want that joy. Again, I reiterate, I WANT that JOY! I was hoping for the same today.

I came away heartsick. Mostly because I couldn’t follow the sermon, and what I did follow was based on negativity and sin. Yes; I realize that this is part of what makes us human. We sin! Most of us know this. But honestly, I want to learn how to become closer to God, not ways in which I’m falling short. I don’t feel that God looks at us and sees just our sins. He sees his children in need of coaching and guidance and love. That is what I want to gain through attending a church service. Guidance. Now I’m going to place most of the blame on myself because I wasn’t able to fully open my mind and gain anything from the service once I became discouraged with the beginning messages. I will try attending again, and I’m praying for help in keeping an open mind, but today’s experience made me heartsick. I ended up coming back to the lodge and playing “Hallelujah” by the Canadian Tenors for an hour and a half and crying. Heartsick tears, made even worse by the fact that I knew my Granma was attending church at that moment and I couldn’t pour all my frustrations out and gain strength through her. It’s difficult to explain the sort of despair that happens when you are away from those you love, and seeking something, and not being able to obtain it. Hopefully you don’t all think I’m being a cry baby, but my heart has been heavy with this all day.

Thankfully, the day ended on a bright note. I took the noon meal out to the guys who were working calves. Along the way, I came upon this scene.

This is an all to familiar scene here in North Dakota. Many homes, with windmills, stand dilapidated and vacant. It’s sort of awe inspiring and heartbreaking at the same time. Photos like this really make me want to delve into the past and find out who these people were. The utter desolation of the place, especially when you think of what probably wasn’t around when they stopped in that spot and decided to make their home. What caused them to leave? How long ago? Where did they come from? Oh how they must have struggled. And oh how little we know of true struggle in today’s era.

When I got to the pasture where they were vaccinating calves they had just finished sorting calves from cows, so I couldn’t have timed my arrival any better. Everyone was hungry and really seemed to enjoy dinner. Nothing fancy, just goulash, milky way salad, and toast. Oh, and plenty of hot coffee and hot cocoa. I hadn’t planned on sticking around to help, but ended up helping most of the afternoon. It was really nice to get out into the fresh air and do something fun after the mornings disappointment. And really, who can deny that something in this face doesn’t fill you with joy.

By the way, the high today was 40.

Thanks grampa for the legacy you’ll be leaving in a box of calendars.

  • Uncle Stan

    Your Grampa and Gram stopped today and visited Aunt Bessie as shet became one year older. They are pretty proud of you by the way.rn

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  • What a beautiful scene. What you described above is one of the reasons that I don’t go to church here- not to mention the closest church is 40+ miles away! I take times like the moments I’m horseback in a quiet pasture to thank God for all that He has blessed me with; and thank him for my life. But I really can feel your pain. Thanks for sharing.

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